Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...I used to work in a calender factory.
I got fired for taking a few days off.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Not the Job he had in Mind
A man goes in for an interview which states "Male sex workers needed"
He passes the interview and sees his first client, a slender piece of ass named Shakira
He gets undressed and upon getting erect, she screams and runs to get HR. Puzzled, he reads the contract again and sees a piece of dirt.
Upon rubbing it off, it reads: "6 inches or less is grounds for termination"
a tiger was hunting steadily after a kangaroo then suddenly..
they had a tigeroo?
Damn you Food Network, you had me excited for a moment!
Turns out "Beat Bobby Flay" is a *cooking show*. Had me actually interested to tune in for a moment.
Three people in bed is called a threesome. Two people in bed is called a twosome.
So now you know why people call you handsome.
My daughter wanted her nose pierced. I said, you need a piercing like you need a hole in your head!!!!……
…. And then I thought, wait. That IS a hole in her head.
I like the way you think
A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach
maths to small children.
“It’s always a good idea for them to visualise the question.
For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one
was shot dead – how many were left? – the children would
answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind’s
eye.”
At that point she was interrupted by one of the students.
“Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that
question.”
The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but
again the student shook his head.
“My answer would be none,” he said. “If one of the cats had
been shot then the other two would have been out of there
in a flash.”
She replied, “Well, in theory that wouldn’t be correct,
however I like the way you think.”
The student continued, “May I ask you a question now? If
there were three women walking down the street, one
licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an
ice lolly – which one would you think was married?”
The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply.
“Well … er … the one sucking the ice lolly.”
“No,” replied the student, smiling, “it would be the one
wearing a wedding ring … still, I like the way you think!”
Whats a boxers favourite part of a joke?
The punchline!
(mods if this has been told before feel free to remove)
Line in heaven
A woman dies and finds herself in a line to get into heaven. As she nears St Peter she hears him asking people
"Please tell me how much money you made and what you did on earth"
Two people ahead if her she heard "I made 2 million a year and I was a CEO"
The person in front of her said "I made 180 thousand a year and I was an electrician"
When she got there she said "I made 12 thousand a year.. "
St Peter asked "and what instrument did you play?"