Things better not to say - random entries

whats long and hard and filled with semen?
a submarine

You can always tell when a state has a hard-on for one candidate.
Because they’re not swing states.

Getting off the powder
I’ve been 2 weeks clean now, and its starting to get really hard. I can barely go about my day now without the white, tasty powder. But i will persevere. It’s for the better of me, and of the ones around me. I’m tired of being treated differently because of the substance i consumed. And what for? Euphoria? Fuck it. Anyways, that’s how my trip without sugar or sweets has been going, wish me luck

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives
I will start a religious movement anytime now

What does a cheap motel and tight jeans have in common?
No ball room

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean

Studies show one out of every 3 people is a murderer.
It’s not me, it’s not you… oh, what about that guy behind you?

Forrest Gump went to Africa, but where did he go?
Guinea!

I used to hate facial hair....
But then it grew on me

I am so mad.
I had 2 WNBA tickets in my car. Somebody broke into my car last night and I have 4 WNBA tickets now.

I would make a joke about Doug Ramsey but
It’s a bit on the nose.

A guy goes to prison
and walks into his cell for the first time. His cell mate is twice his size and covered in tattoos. The cellmate says “We’re going to play house tonight. Do you want to be the husband or the wife?” The guy responds “I guess I’d rather be the husband” Cellmate says (in a deep booming voice) “Ok, well, get over here and suck your wife’s dick”