Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...My friends tell me I make too many graphs…
but I know where to draw the line.
Is this funny?
Someone was telling me about the new Mario movie and I just couldn’t believe they were making a movie about my landscaper.
Found a girl who likes to eat ass
Cant wait till i show her my colostomy bag
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won. What happened to peace, love, dove?
A friend of mine asked me if there’s any swearing in Oedipus
I said there better not be, he kisses his mother with that mouth.
Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?
The whole town heard.
Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.
Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.
The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It really blew his mind.
His parents are trying to piece their family back together.
Every bit of him.
His eyes were blue.
One blew this way, and one blew that way.
In the end, it worked out for the best.
Everybody always wanted a piece of him.
Some say Timmy is with God now, and you can’t argue with that.
Like Timmy, God is everywhere.
Rest in pieces, Timmy!
You will be mist!
At least you had a blast on your way out.
(Sorry, I know these jokes are a bit dark.
But it got really bright for a second.)
What do you call the female version of SMH (Shaking My Head)?
SMT - Shaking My Tits.
How many chef do you need to solve world hunger?
Depends on how you cook them
Rural farm joke
A Wife who lived in the country was out in her garden one evening. It had come to fall season and the wife had decided it was the time of year to harvest. In the garden was their young daughter, Debby, whom enjoyed learning the trades of her mother. Debby, fond of her mother’s talents and skill.
The husband had just then come in from the fields having worked a deal of hard labor, the light buzz of whiskey on his breath, and approaches his Wife to see how well she is doing.
“How are things out here, honey?” He entails with a grimace of contention.
“Well” She responds, while looking tentatively at her batch of fresh Cucumbers in front of her. “Just trying to decide wether to dice them or to leave the cucumbers to dill whole.
The husband, with a wry smile and a cunning joke responds “well, we can always work these sorts of happening out tonight. It just so happens I’ve kept an extra one from earlier today around just for the right time to dill whole.
Wife, now blushing smirks at the husband.
Just then Debby, watchful as she is, a bit confused. Confessed to her, “Mother, learning the trade as I am, I’d like a cucumber to dill whole myself later tonight.”
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away…
I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills