Things better not to say - random entries

had an old Catholic girlfriend try and talk to me the other day...
Call that "excommunication"

An elderly couple was sitting at the breakfast table when...
when the old woman says “my nipples feel hot today like they did 60 years ago!" Her husband replied “they should be hot, one is in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal”

What’s in it for me?
A man was making his way through the desert when he stumbled across a beautiful young woman buried up to her neck in the sand - a punishment of sorts, he thought. Her clothes lay in a pile close to her and the shovel used to dig her in lay close by. She plead with him, PLEASE dig me out of here. The man pondered the onerous task for a while and then said, if I do what’s in it for me? Her reply: sand.

Are you gay? Well me neither, let`s have sex!

Black humor is just like food ... not everyone has it.

I don`t think your outfit is that great! May I help you out there?

I choose to get a cavity search every 6 months
I love going to the dentist

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said “Do you mind waiting a bit?” I said no.
“Good”, he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”

What do you call a person who only dates older people?
A grave robber.

I`m not single, I live in a long distance relationship because my partner lives in the future!

A defense counsel was telling his client in Pyongyang some great news in his capital crime case
Lawyer: "I managed to get you a plea deal. You only get the death penalty." ​ Client: "What´s so good about that?" ​ Lawyer: "I managed to get your second cousin once removed on your mother´s side´s sentence reduced to two years hard labour instead of being shot with you."

A guy passes a Psychiatric Hospital
As he walks by, he hears people inside chanting "33! 33! 33!" Curious, he walked over and put his ear to the wall. He still heard "33! 33! 33!" He saw a small hole in the wall and decided to look through. As he stared into the hole, a finger suddenly came out and poked him in the eye Jumping back in pain, he started running away. As he ran, he heard the people chant "34! 34! 34!"

Keith Richards went to the hospital for a checkup today and the results were shocking.
They found blood in his drugstream.