Things better not to say - random entries

How can you tell when your dog is trying to tell you that there is a homeless man on top of your house?
Your dog starts yelling loudly “ Roof, Roof”.

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...
How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

are your boobs real may i touch it

Who did Hitler plan to install as commander of the Indonesian air force if they agreed to join the Axis powers?
Hermann Goreng

How do you get Trump to stop talking?
Ask him a question under oath.

Poor ringo
The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner. all of them are happily sitting there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.   “Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his fingers on the table.   John is the first to speak up. “Get yourself some lucy, find the weirdest looking chick in the building ... ”   George interrupts him. “That’s nonsense, what I do is foolproof! Just keep playing the guitar like I do and ... Oh, never mind.”   Ringo is feeling pretty hopeless at this point, so he turns to Paul, the most reliable of the group. “Paul? Can you at least give me a good answer?”   Paul pats him on the back with a kind smile and says, “Well Ringo, what I do is gaze into the crowd after the end of our concert ... and I look at all the lonely people.”

I can`t save the world from the sofa, but at least I can`t do any harm.

According to the Time Honoured British Tradition...
They are now outsourcing their problems to some Indian guy when they invest neither the resources or time or skill to resolve it themselves.

Bunch of dudes line up in a circle
It’s Omen

What do you call a Marine wearing an Air Force uniform?
Artificial intelligence

Marriage is like a savings account.
Your only able to pull out three times a month.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But CAT scan

A woman is in a search for a public bathroom
She finally finds one on the street. There are no gender designations on it. Just as she tries to open the door a man comes out. She asks in a hurry: - Coeducated? The man is looking confused. - No, I took a shit.