Things better not to say - random entries

so I was using the bathroom, and after I was done I looked in the toilet
Needless to say, I SAW SOME SHIT

What did Helen Keller call a hand job?
Oral sex.

I asked my son why he put popcorn in the freezer.
He told me he wanted a pop-sicle.

Work is fun, so fun aside!

Does music make you think?
It made Stevie wonder…

What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?
A Tit Lord

Babies
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

I woke up at 3.00 am to see the ghostly spectre of Gloria Gaynor, standing at the foot of my bed
At first I was afraid...

Why don’t you give Elsa a ballon?
Because she’ll let it go.

Who gave the famous “I Have a Dream” speech?
Some dude or whatever. Who cares? It’s not February anymore.

Which monster is best at paying attention to a speech?
Mummies. They sit there rapt.

Tate’s downfall is just like a Tarantino movie
Just less “kill bill” and more “shot with your own gun stepping out of the toilet.”

I've never understood how to come second in biathlon? You have a gun!