Things better not to say - random entries

I have such a cold, the table next to my bed looks like it`s from a 13 year old who just discovered online porn.

Will smith used to be so full of life and fun
now he just seems *jaded*

Don’t know if this has been told
Where do milk shakes come from? California Cows

How do you turn a pussy into a coward?
Give it a badge and a gun.

What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture.

A man visits a doctor during a safari…
The doctor, a proper former Oxford graduate and English colonial type with the side parting and a handlebar moustache asks him ‘What’s wrong?’ The tourist says, ‘Well Doctor, it’s a very embarrassing issue to be honest.’ Doctor: ‘Well, I have been a doctor for over 25 years, there isn’t anything I haven’t seen! What is it man?’ The tourist drops his trousers and his arsehole is the size of a dinner plate…. Doctor: ‘Goodness me man, what happened to you?’ Tourist: ‘Well Doctor, I was in the High Veld, away from the safari tour and I was raped by an African Bull Elephant!’ The Doctor twists his moustache thoughtfully and says, ‘Well….in my time in Africa, with all my experience, I know that African Bull Elephants have a very very long, but a very thin penis.’ The tourist looks at him despondently, and says: ‘Yes Doctor, but the bastard fingered me first…’

What chance does a priest have of pulling?
Nun.

What do you call a matador that only fights other matadors?
Meta-dor

Demi Moore rejected my offer to replace her major household appliances
My proposal was Indesit

What’s a poker player’s favourite type of exercise?
Cardio.

come tell me your weight No? Only the first three digits...

Water also becomes a fine drop if you mix it with malt and hops.

A woman is giving birth to a baby girl
She is in the operating room with her husband by her side and the doctor delivering the baby. The know before that this child will be a girl, but there has been some animosity between the couple over what the baby will be called. After one more hard push, the baby comes out and the doctor cuts the cord and holds it up. He’s about to talk when the husband “My darling Emily is born”. The wife responds “We agreed we would never call her that”. The husband replies “I never said anything, and besides it’s only right given that it was my mothers name, and she passed only three months ago”. The wife enraged says “I don’t care if it’s the same name as your dead bitch of a mother, its a terrible name”. The husband is taken aback, as he never heard this opinion from his wife. “Oh so what do you want to call it” the husband replies. “Harper, after a character from your favourite book? Grow up!”. The doctor decides to get involved. “I don’t care what you name it” he says while holding the baby up by its leg. “As long as it gets a closed casket”