Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...I used to cough in public to hide my farts.
But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.
So they held a farting contest…
The last three standing in the race to win the award for the most ground shattering, the most ungodly minor explosion between the buttocks known to any human were an American, a Japanese & an Indian
The American binged on some chipotles & some dairy & climbed the podium.
Released a minor krakatoa which destroyed the stage & the butt explosion was heard by everyone in a 1 mile radius
The Japanese laughed as he binged on some sushi & then released a nerve wrecking fart. The nearby graveyard reported coffins rising up to the ground & zombies coming out of them with one hand over their nose
The Indian saw this spectacle & decided to back off as he wasn’t unsure he would be capable of doing something of this scale.
The organisers who were wearing gas masks didn’t allow this
So he stood there…closed his eyes, focussed to release a nuclear fart. But all he could release was a barely audible poof…
Thinking that he has lost the battle, he looked around & so were the organisers…
& then they saw that that Jesus atop a cross, took one of his hand off the cross & covered his nose !!!
The joke I came up with while I was half asleep.
A spoon and a microwave are talking to each other.
The spoon says: “So what’s your name?”
Microwave: “Mike.”
Spoon: “Is that short for Michael?”
Microwave: “It’s short for microwave.”
i told Cinderella if she gets to the ball
She has reached too far down
Did you hear the story about the dwarf who was caught climbing down a prison wall?
It was a little condescending.
I went into Whole Foods…
And I said, “That’s a whole lot of money for food!”
I lost my job as a chef today.
All I did was follow the sign that said to wash your hands after using the bathroom. I didn’t know that you couldn’t use the customers’ water to do so.
A little girl visits her grandpa in the hospital
The little girl runs in sayin, “grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Make a noise like a frog!
The grandpa says, “why sweetie?”
The little girl starts begging, “please, please, please, make a noise like a frog grandpa. Please!”
This goes on for a few minuets, then her mother walks in and sees this.
Finally the grandpa goes, “why do you want me to make a frog noise sweetie?”
The little girl says, “mama says as soon as you croak we’re going to Disneyland!”
... to the Police ...You just drove through a 30 zone at 60.
Oh you chameur, I`m already 95.
How do you call it, when a sugar daddy falls in love with a girl?
Candy Crush.