Things better not to say - random entries
l made $48m today and I’m STILL having Burger King for dinner.
Just another day working at the Federal Reserve.
Where did the computer mouse go to get a drink?
The spacebar
And you know I’ve been to a couple spacebars before, they’re all exactly the same. Great food, no atmosphere.
Why is it so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally...
....then to fall asleep in bed intentionally?
I went into Whole Foods…
And I said, “That’s a whole lot of money for food!”
Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman?
She wrote him a John Deere letter.
my neighbor has a parrot named alex.
They got him a new freind named Alexa that can talk, joke, and search google.
Why was 7 afraid of i?
Nobody knows for sure, but everyone thinks his fear is only imaginary
A dyslexic cat broke into a hen house
It was an absolute fluster cluck
a child asks his father what an alcoholic is
the dad replies, "see those 4 cars? an alcoholic would see 8"
the child says, "but dad, there are 2 cars over there"