Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...What do a priest and a nightlight have in common?
They both get turned on by little kids.
Yo momma so stupid
When the UK were doing Clap for NHS she thought it was because the gynecologists were out of work
A doctor at a psychiatric hospital wants to send some patients home after a test
the doctor brings 3 patients to an empty pool and tells them to jump in and swim
the first patient jumps in and breaks both his legs
the second patient dives head first and dies
the third patient refuses, so the doctor says “this one seems logical, maybe we should send him home” he then asks the patient why he didn’t jump, and the patient replies “I can’t swim”
What is the best “safe word”?
Meatloaf, because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.
Who wins
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
A New Suit
Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"I can cure your headaches," he said, "But the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a clothing store and thought, "That’s what I need ... a new suit." So, he entered the shop and told the salesman there, "I’d like a new suit."
The elderly man eyed Joe briefly and said, "Let’s see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "And how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let’s see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said "Let’s see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You shouldn’t wear a size 34. It will press your balls up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Why did Hitler create the Nazi Party?
Because it was Fascionable at the time
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them