Things better not to say - random entries

I made this one up myself... What sound does a witch make when it speeds past you on the highway ?
BRVOOM BRVOOM!!!

Child minder
Are you looking for a child minder? £20 per hour He may be small but he’s rock hard.

What kind of office, will sell you? They’re windows and office.
Microsoft Office

The kidnap
A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny. She takes him to her home and writes a note: - “If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorrow. Signed, A Blonde.” She pins the note to Johnny’s shirt and sends him home. In the morning she goes to the playground, and sure enough, there is the plain brown bag containing a large stack of bills, along with a note that reads, - “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

I love your left leg like Christmas and your right leg like Easter. May I stop by between the holidays?

Beaver 1: “Sir, the river is running at full capacity with no obstruction!”
Beaver 2: “Dammit!”

A pirate walks into a bar with one of those big wooden ship steering wheels shoved down the front of his pants…
The bartender says, “Man, that looks uncomfortable. What is that big wooden ship steering wheel doing in your pants?” And the pirate says… “ARRRRGH! It’s drivin’ me NUTS!”

What do you call a promiscuous Macaulay Culkin impersonator?
Ho Malone

Can I maybe do something lighter?

The atheist and the bear
One day, an atheist man was walking through the woods. He was a proud atheist, never skipping the opportunity to mock those of faith for their ignorance and blindness to reality. He was enjoying his stroll through nature. All of a sudden, there was a loud crashing behind him. He turned to look and saw a massive bear charging at him. He turned and ran for his life. He looked over his shoulder but there bear was gaining, it was almost on him! Desperately he poured on more speed only to trip and fall to the ground. He rolled and looked up and saw the bear above him, paw raised to strike! He threw his arms over his face and screamed “Oh God!” Everything stopped. The bear froze, the birds stopped mid flight, even the stream pauses. And the man saw a light from the heavens and heard a voice saying “All your life, you have denied my existence. You have relentlessly persecuted my followers and attributed all my creation to a cosmic accident. And now you call upon me. Am I to now count you as a believer?” The atheist, ever proud, replied “I suppose it would be hypocritically to be called a Christian after all these years. But, could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well.” Said the voice. The light withdrew, the stream started flowing, the birds continued their flight. The bear slowly put his paw down, and looked gently at the man, seeming to smile. Then he brought both paws together, bowed his head, closed his eyes and said “Lord, I give thanks for this food I am about to eat.”

There was this musician in North Korea…
One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked. The big night arrived with the musician stood at the front of the greatest orchestra in the whole of North Korea. However, they were terrible. They didn’t play the music anything like the musician had composed it to sound. The Great Leader was displeased and he called for the musician to be put to death. Upon arriving at the execution, the musician was asked what he’d like for his final meal. “I’d like piping hot curry!” He said. He chowed down his curry, the hottest curry he’d eaten in a long time and then sat in the electric chair and awaited his fate. The switch was thrown, sparks flew across the room and the air was filled with smoke… But nothing happened, the musician was unharmed. Having witnessed this miracle, an awestruck Kim Jong-Un decided to give the musician another chance to impress him with his music. He got straight to work, writing another piece of music. This time his masterpiece. The big night arrived and he stood in front of the great orchestra as they played his masterpiece. They murdered it. “It wasn’t supposed to sound anything like that, nothing at all!” he exclaimed. But Kim-Jong Un isn’t the forgiving type and he sent the musician straight to the execution chamber. Again, the guards asked him what he wanted for his final meal. This time the musician asked for a curry hot enough to burn his eyes out. He chomped down the curry, teary eyed and sweating, then was strapped to the chair. They threw the switch, sparks flew across the room and filled it with smoke… But again the musician remained unaffected. Dumbfounded, the Great Leader said: “One last chance to prove your worth!”. Amazed that this man was still alive. The night of the third composition came, this time it was going to work. “Surely, this is the most masterful piece of music ever written” thought the musician. For the third time he stood in front of the great orchestra as they all played out of sync and out of tune. Yet again he was sent to the execution chamber, with Kim-Jong Un himself to throw the switch. His final meal request was for the hottest curry ever made on this planet… “No! I’ve had enough of you and your super hot curries! We’re putting you straight to the chair this time, no final meal, you’re not walking out of here unharmed!” The switch thrown by none other than Kim-Jong Un himself. Sparks flew, smoke bloomed and yet again the man was unharmed. The Great Leader stood there speechless. The musician looked at him and said: “Oh, the curries had nothing to do with it, I’m just a terrible conductor”.

The answer to the "meaning of life" is 42. A cube of yeast weighs 42 grams...I think I`m on to something big there.

Some go partying at night, others have wild sex at night. And I charge my phone at night.