Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?
A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.
An Arab is driving
An Arab is driving and he’s going 120+ miles an hour his passengers try to get him to slow down. But the Arab so sure in his driving ability turns to his passengers and says don’t worry I’m Arab if we crash the car will definitely explode.
What is the difference between a Valetudinarian and a hypochondriac?
The hypochondriac has a disease, the Valetudinarian has a car.
TIL why Jesus will be so angry when he returns to earth…
It’ll only be his second time coming.
I think I’m going to hell for this.
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $120; the Hilton charges $150. We do it here for $80 and I get $64 back from my health plan.”
My friend works as a cab driver in London
one day, while chatting, I asked him if he found problems adapting to driving on the other side of the road
"not really, no, but the biggest problem is that sometimes instead of spitting outside the window I spit on the customer sitting next to me"
My computer program won’t run
Did I need to install legs or something?
... Sayings ...I taught my little brother to walk up to hipsters in oversized shirts and buns and say, "This dress flatters your curls, beautiful woman."
The looks are priceless.
So I went to the porn rooms and cried... but only for 10 seconds
What do Boris Johnson and Tottenham Hotspur have in common?
An empty cabinet
There are three types of people
the people who can count, and the people who can’t
I was talking to my girlfriend when I realized I needed to go to the bathroom.
I asked her if she could come in to the bathroom with me a tie some rope.
She asked if I was out of my mind.
I said no, I shit you knot.