Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...A man wanted to marry 3 women, so he developed a test to see which was the most fit.
he decided to give them each 10,000 dollars to see what they did.
the first women got plastic surgery and told him, “Look, I made myself extremely beautiful just for you!”
the second bought him many gifts and said, “Look! I have given you all the gifts I can!”
the third invested the money, made 30K, gave the man back the original 10K, and then invested the rest. she said, “Look! I invested out money so that when we retire we can live peacefully in an abundance of wealth!”
The man thought long and hard, and eventually made his decision.
he married the one with the biggest tits.
... to a Vegetarian ...A guy is walking down the beach at night and comes across a woman with no arms and no legs…
The woman is crying so he goes to her and asks what is wrong.
The woman replies “I’m 23 years old, I have no arms, no legs, and I’ve never had a kiss”
So the man leans down and gently kisses her on the lips, then turns to walk away. The woman begins crying again so he stops again and asks what is wrong.
The woman replies “I’m 23 years old, I have no arms, no legs, and I’ve never been screwed”
The man leans down… cradles the woman’s torso… lifts her out of the sand… and chucks her into the water. “You’re screwed now baby!”
The girl next to me at the dinner party told me I had real Leo vibes. I asked “Why, because I’m so confident and fiery?”
She replied “No, because your girlfriend is 19”
A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral
A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”
I saw these three guys beating on my cheating ex so I ran over to help.
The four of us sure kicked her whore ass!
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in, ordered, and had 3 extra large helpings of delicious baked beans. He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Then he got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table fell over. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”
There, seated around the table to his great alarm, were twelve dinner guests for his surprise birthday party!
A hacker once told me my full name and IP address
Jokes on him, I already knew both of those things
LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.
There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
... to your Girlfriend ...The stupidest animal on earth should once be the monkey. But that went completely wrong, and the woman began to live.