Things better not to say - random entries
... during Sex ...
... at a Date ...
... Jokes ...Having a bad day at work…
An associate goes to the bar in the top floor of his high rise office building and orders a drink. The place is empty except for the bartender and a lone man at the other end of bar. While staring into his drink, he can’t help but notice the other guy pound 4 shots.
“Must’ve had a worse day than me” he thinks, and finishes his drink. He’s about to leave when the guy suddenly runs to the balcony and jumps off.
Completely stunned, the associate sits back down and orders another drink…because…he just watched a man jump off a fucking building.
Not 2 minutes later, the elevator dings and here comes the jumper, striding in without a scratch. He sits down and repeats this same thing 2 more times. As the man walks past the 3rd time, the associate stops him and asks how the hell he can jump off a building 3 times and not be dead or injured.
Guy buddies up to the stool next to him and explains; “There’s an air vent right below that pushes up enough air every 20 minutes to safely land you on the sidewalk.
Well, at this point, the associate is pretty drunk and thinks, “why not?!”
He finishes his drink and sends himself flying off the balcony…to his death.
At this the bartender finally speaks up; “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”
My girlfriend did a lie detector test.
"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."
I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"
"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."
Why are gay people always so happy?
‘Cause they can’t keep a straight face!
I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”
Friend: Vie.
Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.
Hey, I know a joke:
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says,
"I forgot to store acorns for winter and now I am dead."
Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead!
-Doug
Why We Celebrate Easter
A teacher asks the Easter Sunday School "Why do we celebrate Easter?" Hands go up. "Emily!"
"Easter is when the three wise men came to give baby Jesus gifts" "No, Emily, that is Christmas."
"Who else knows? Bobby! " "Easter is when Jesus gave the loafs n fishes to feed the big crowd."
"No, that is a miracle Bobby." "Who can tell us why we celebrate Easter? Amanda!"
"Easter is the time of year when they put Jesus on a cross and he died and they put him in a toon."
"Yes! Very good, Amanda!"
"And if Jesus comes out of his toon and sees his shadow, then we will get six more weeks of winter!"
... to Blondes ...What`s the difference between an intelligent blonde and the Yeti? The Yeti has already been seen.