Things better not to say - random entries

Do ya know why toys have a serial number?
>!They have been marked as in-toyer-able!!<

My cellmates asked me I could choose: my money or my pressure.
Without knowing I choose my pressure. Before when I farted it sounded like Prrrrt. Now it makes Fuuuuuu.

if a double amputee has a gun on his belt. is he armed or unarmed?
O-O

I met Elon Musk earlier today...
He seems like a down to Mars guy

Gotta catch ‘em all!!
Professor Oak: Hi Ash! Tell me, is your mom still single? Ash: Yeah, why? Professor Oak: Ah, nothing important. Btw here is a Pokedex, go roam the world and catch all the Pokemon!

Depp in 2012: “I’d hit that”
Depp in 2022: “That’s not what I meant”

I`m a photographer looking for a face like yours.

i tried my hand at breeding chickens
Turns out they only like cocks

"I hold you in contempt" says the Judge
Therefore I recuse myself for an impartial judge.

Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on a park bench in Moscow and are talking,
Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on a park bench in Moscow and are talking, suddenly one of them says: -You know, President Putin says that the special military operation in Ukraine is actually a war between Russia and NATO. -How are you? -So far we have lost 15,800 soldiers, 6 generals, 530 tanks, 1597 armored vehicles, 1033 soft vehicles, 280 howitzers, 82 salvage parts, 47 air defense systems, 108 aircraft, 124 helicopters and 50 drones. -Impressive! and Nato? -They haven't shown up yet.

My agent tells me that I am projected to go #1 in the NFL draft this weekend!
And if I have too much taco bell, he projects that I will go #2 as well.

3 egineers in a broken down car
One is a mechanical engineer and he says, "must be the engine we should look under the hood" The other is an electrical engineer he says, "probably a bad starter or dead battery" The third is a computer engineer and he says, "just turn it off and on"

When I touch your neck, put your mouth to mine, oh, how I long for you, beloved bottle of beer!