Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry.
So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
... to your Boss ...Theory is when nothing works and you know why.
Practice is when everything works and nobody knows why!
Q. Why did the Rednecks only have 2 children?
A. Because they heard 1 in 3 babies are Chinese.
... to your Parents ...I know I`ll be writing math tomorrow, but there`s a documentary about door frames on TV right now!
OJ Simpson sent the court a statute of limitations notice to return his personal property
He wants his gloves back.
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/NormMacdonald
Why do people who own magazines have mental health conditions?
Because obviously, they have a lot of issues.
What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common ?
You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.
What happened when the square had an accident?
It became a wrecked angle.
Did you know you need permission to fart while sitting down in Congress?
“Permission to address the chair”
I once saw a couple of coders get into a fight
It was so vicious they almost made physical contact.
A man is on his deathbed.
Long
A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take the $10,000 and shove it in the coffin with me.“
The man passes and the three men pay their respects. Afterwards, they are all talking. The doctor says “I know it’s medically impossible, but I have to admit I put $9000 in the coffin and kept $1000 for myself.”
The engineer then chimes in. “I did all the calculations and realize it’s impossible also. But I have to admit I put $5000 in and left $5000 for myself.”
The lawyer looks at them both with disgust. “I’m disappointed in both of you. This was his last wish and neither of you held up your end. I wrote him a check for the entire amount.“