Things better not to say - random entries

I paid a hooker $400 to get “the girlfriend experience”.
We just argued for an hour over Roe v Wade

Why We Celebrate Easter
A teacher asks the Easter Sunday School "Why do we celebrate Easter?" Hands go up. "Emily!" "Easter is when the three wise men came to give baby Jesus gifts" "No, Emily, that is Christmas." "Who else knows? Bobby! " "Easter is when Jesus gave the loafs n fishes to feed the big crowd." "No, that is a miracle Bobby." "Who can tell us why we celebrate Easter? Amanda!" "Easter is the time of year when they put Jesus on a cross and he died and they put him in a toon." "Yes! Very good, Amanda!" "And if Jesus comes out of his toon and sees his shadow, then we will get six more weeks of winter!"

What happens to printers that perform miracles?
They get Canonized.

I got a notification about how social media is impacting my mental health.
"Facebook is draining the battery."

A weasel walks into a bar. Bartender says “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before what can I get for you?
“Pop” goes the weasel

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology…
and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Why does Ms. Pacman feel violated when Pacman is chasing her…
Because he keeps trying to eat her cherries.

"Dad, I`m..."

"Oh god, please don`t!"

"... humid!"

"Phew, lucky you. I thought vegan"

What has two rings and an arrow?
A phone call to China

Why do chess players search for love in Central Europe?
They prefer Czech mates

Lionel Messi holds the record for the most number of likes in an Instagram post.
Things have really turned Messi for the egg.

A man walks into a bar located on the 10th floor of a skyscraper
He sits down and asks for his usual "special" drink he drinks it, jumps out the window flies around the building and re-enters through the window and sits back down. A woman sitting next to him, reasonably shocked, asks him how he did that, the man replies that "its all in the drink". The woman eager to have a try herself orders the same drink, downs the whole thing, jumps out the window and proceeds to crash on the ground, instantly dying. The man laughs, in tears. The barman tells him: "superman you can be a real asshole when you drink"

My ex said she wanted to talk because she needed closure. So...
I handed her a box of Ziploc® bags and told her to fuck off.