Things better not to say - random entries

Why did Sweeney Todd’s wife have such a hard time keeping her restaurant staffed?
Employee turnover.

How did the number 4 find evidence to prove that 7 ate 9?
fourensics

Dad ‘do you know what your sister said when she lost her virginity?’
Son ‘dad, please don’t’ Dad ‘exactly’

Relationship status: I lie diagonally in bed.

What did last nights test result between India and Australia prove?
the only time the Aussies aren’t a rabble on the sub-continent is when we’re playing Indore cricket

I just saw Matt Damon eating toast at a Boston deli.
Bourne and Bread.

The judge was a man of few words
Always gave out short sentences

Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snowbank.

What makes a woman un-dateable?
What makes a woman un-dateable? She’s an orphan with no birth certificate.

What do you call a happily celibate lawyer?
An **Ace Attorney**

How many nails does it take to hang a picture of Jesus?
Just one.

There’s this cos playing dude trying to move me with the force while I’m a stormtrooper. I said…
If there was one left, it’s definitely not you.

This pretty much sums up the eighties
80 + 81 + 82 + 83 + 84 + 85 + 86 + 87 + 88 + 89 = 845