Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...My new book about poltergeists...
is literally flying off the shelves.
Musician joke
What does a stripper do with her asshole before work?
Drops him off at band practice.
Why is it that conservatives hate welfare and tax cheats so much?
They can’t stand the competition.
A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.
He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.
He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.
The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.
The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.
That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.
The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.
He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes
For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.
The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.
The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this happen? Can he even get the courage to tell him that everything he’s doing is absolutely terrible? One of the regulars comes up to the bar and sits down to talk to him. ‘’So, Jim… what the hell is this?’’
The owner explains to him the whole situation. How he found the man online, that beautiful ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’ rendition, his tragic story as a retired judge that always wanted to be a musician, and how he’s now stuck, having booked him for 9 more shows for the next 2 weeks. The regular scratches his head, thinks for a while and shrugs before declaring:
‘’…And that’s why you should never book a judge by his cover.’’
Jesus was the first person to be killed because people didnt like what he was saying
Does that mean he was the first celebrity victim of cancel culture?
-Credit to Cunk on Earth
... to Blondes ...What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? – You release the safety and throw it back.
... at a Date ...Is your father a pastry chef?
`Cause I`m so cute?
NO! Because you are so fat!
A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.
Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”
To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”
Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”
To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”
Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”
What’s the difference between Rapunzel and U.S. politicians?
While Rapunzel let’s her hair down, U.S. politicians let everyone else down
One day, Hitler went to a fortune teller.
He asked her, "when will I die?"
She replied "You will die on a day that is a Jewish holiday."
stunned, he asked "What? How come?"
and she said "Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday."