Things better not to say - random entries

I just made an appointment for morning exercise.

And why are you crying?

are you even listening to me

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand-new Bugatti Chiron.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The dentist replies, “A Bugatti Chiron. It cost one and a half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the dentist proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the dentist. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the dentist decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?” the dentist asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Bugatti up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Bugatti, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Bugatti all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Bugatti is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Bugatti, demolishing the rear end. The dentist stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

That’s it? It took you 2 minutes to cum?
It’s doggystyle so 14 minutes to be precise.

Sigh..
My wife has a tattoo of a whale on her butt. It used to be a dolphin.

Recently released arms dealer announces the stunning overnight success of his latest enterprise.
When asked how it was so easy he simply replied, "Finding so many **triggers** in America was never hard."

A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes
She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra strap burst, her blouse buttons popped off, and she had much larger breasts. Her husband came home, went into the bedroom and was stunned at the sight of his buxom wife admiring herself in the mirror. When she explained the magic, he immediately crowded her to the side to face the mirror, saying, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" so his legs fell off.

Yesterday I wanted to cook with wine... after the 5th glass I didn`t even know what I wanted in the kitchen anymore.

Back in the day Oklahoma use to have a slogan “Oklahoma is OK!”, you know why it was just OK?
Because they couldn’t spell mediocre.

Why don’t war vets play hide and seek with their grandchildren?
They’re in the trees

A woman was worried her phone was not flying
... even though it was on aeroplane mode.

You guys drinking in the street?
Why no.

What’s the deal with nocturnal bugs?
Wby are they so obsessed with lights? It’s like hello! The sun!

My uncle who was a great chef just passed away, and I could swear I just saw his ghost
It was a soupernaturnal experience