Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...What does gandhi say to the pizza place?
"Make me one with everything"
The cashier says "sure that will be 27$"
Ghandi hands him a 50$.
Cashier gives him the pizza, and nothing else.
Ghandi says "what about my change?"
Cashier says "change must come from within"
-u/megopolis12
We finally found a way for texans to agree to abortion.
You just have to perform it with a gun apparently. Then they’ll be defending it nonstop.
... at a Date ...There’s a new mob in town
They’re Jewish and calling themselves the Kosher Nostril.
Home Depot sign said ‘Now Hiring—All Positions’
So I called to see if missionary and semi-fetal were available.
They hung up. Quite defensive.
My dick was just in the Guinness book of world records
Until the librarian told me to take it out
Do you fancy fishing? I would like to throw my bait in your pond.
I tried wheelchair basketball yesterday, and I was pretty good!
I was really breaking ankles.
Jesus was the very first MMORPG hacker
One of his most famous miracles was just an item duplication exploit
What did the man say after getting attacked by crows?
I just got murdered.
When your friend you knew your whole life acts completely out of character to appease a romantic interest, the feeling you have is...
...buddy dysmorphia
There was an angry ape
Ever since it lost his mate, he has been mean, throwing feces, and acting aggressive toward staff and visitors.
Into this, a young apprentice zookeeper was thrown. For some reason, George the ape was taken by him. Maybe it was his thick beard.
So the man was waiting for his boss in front of the cage, when he noticed that George was mimicking his stance.
“Oh, you want to play? Can you do this?” And he hopped on one leg and laughed as the ape followed suit. He did a few more things, and no matter what, the ape would playfully imitate him.
Finally, he was running out of ideas, and as was his habit, he scratched his chin, thinking, when suddenly WHAM!
George had jumped the fence, hurtled the moat, and set upon the man and beat him to a pulp.
Next thing he knows, he’s waking up in a hospital bed, in s head to toe traction bandage, leaving him immobilized.
“Good, I see you’re awake. We need to ask you about what happened to provoke such a violent attack.”
Blinking his eyes into focus, he sees its his boss, the zoo keeper. “Well sir, I noticed he was mimicking me.”
“That’s typical, go on.”
“So I did some silly stuff, hopping on one foot, making silly faces and noises, and he did everything I did.”
“So I was having fun, but was getting out of ideas, so I stated scratching my chin, and next thing I know, I’m here talking to you.”
“That explains it! Scratching your chin basically means ‘go screw yourself’ in ape! This is a good thing, we don’t have to put him down!”
So the guy’s stuck in traction for six months. Six months of starting at same walls, at the mercy of the cranky nurses who hated him.
So in his mind he works up a perfect revenge for this damn, dirty ape!
When he finally gets back to work, he goes to the canteen and grabs a pair of big knives and a gigantic sausage, and marches up to George’s enclosure.
As soon as George sees him, he runs up to face him across the moat.
“You remember me? Good!” He went threw a few different silly actions to get George’s attention, then stopped. He gently tossed a knife into the cage, and when the ape had picked it up, he made sure that he had his attention.
He then reached down to his trousers, undid his fly, and pulled out the gigantic sausage he has taken from the canteen.
Watching him, with the knife in one hand, he raced down and grabbed his jewels, just like the human, looking at him with a smile, the man swiped the knife down and chopped the sausage clean in half.
And without a moments hesitation, the ape dropped the knife and scratched its chin.
Want Some Peanuts
Grandma used to keep a bowl of peanuts next to her bed to hand out.
Then we found out she was just eating the chocolate off them.