Things better not to say - random entries

My landlord wants to talk to me about why my heating bill is so high.
I told him my door is always open.

Jokes are like frogs…
If you dissect it, you kill it.

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.
I hate being a dwarf.

Thought
I think breast implants are a touchy subject

I was asked what my views on pornography were.
I said, "I dunno, rough math maybe 2,500?"

Hades: But if you look at your lover before leaving my realm, she will return to me.
Oedipus: No problem.

A repairman was hired to repair a large machine in a factory.
He showed up, examined the machine, then tapped it once with a hammer. It started up. The factory owner was pleased, but not when he got a bill from the repairman for $100. He thought that was outrageous, and he asked for an itemized bill. So the repairman handed him a bill which said: Tapping machine with hammer: $1 Knowing where to tap: $99

A Frenchman and a Spaniard walk into a cafe
The Frenchman says “I’ll have a gateau, please” Then the Spaniard says “I’ll have the same thing” The Frenchman is satisfied, but the Spaniard gets arrested

A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion
when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?" The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop." The rabbi asked, "And then?" The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal." The rabbi again asked, "And then?" The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!" The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?" The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?" The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"

Alabama-Mom: "Tom, please call your brother and your dad for dinner."
Tom: "Joooohhhhnnnnyyyyyy"

When I was young.
I was very poor. After many many years of struggling I am no longer young.

Anybody caught breaking the rule...
**Anybody caught breaking the rule will be fined.** **On the first day of university the Dean is addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules.** **“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory for the female students.** **Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”** **He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time, will cost you $180. Are there any questions?** **”At this point, a male student in the crowd asked, “How much for a season ticket?”**

Why did Timmy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a bus