Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...What medicine is Marry Poppins never allowed to administer?
Insulin. A spoon full of sugar will not help the situation... Diabetes must not have been a thing in the 50s.
I thought dating a vegan would improve my sex life.
I was told she eats nuts, roots and leaves.
(Note root is euphemism for sex for non Aussies out there)
How many Call Of Duty players does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.
A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.
The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for them so the chief can decide their fate.
The men are brought before a large clearing at the edge of the village where the chief begins his sentencing. “In the field behind me our ancestors have grown all the fruit known to man. You are you to walk the field and pick your favorite fruit then return it to me”
The men think wow this is a very simple punishment. “We shall gather the fruits of our native states to show the chief we miss home and just want to go back” says the man from Hawaii. The other two agree and all three set off into the field. Around 5 minutes later the man from Georgia appeared from the field and approached the chief holding a peach. “Chief I bring to you my native fruit. A gesture that I simply wish to return home” The chief with a smile tells the man to insert the fruit into his rectum and he will be given a canoe and allowed to leave. If he fails to insert the fruit he will be beheaded on the spot.
Instantly the man stuffs the peach into his rectum just before the man from Florida returns holding an orange. As the Florida man approaches he tells the chief “I have brought you the fruit from my native home simply to show you I miss home and would love to go back”. Again the chief explains the process and the man begins to hastily stuff the orange in his rectum.
As he gets his pants down and puts the orange in his rectum he begins to laugh. Soon after the first man begins to laugh hysterically as well. Within 30 seconds both men are in tears from laughter. The chief asks the translator what these men are laughing at to which the translator says
“They said the man from Hawaii is looking for the pineapples”
I asked to join the Suicide Squad...
They rejected me when they found out it was because I wanted to be good at it.
What is the difference between Santa and a Jew
Santa goes down the chimney
What did Edward Newgate say when he sailed to the Middle East? [Fixed]
THE ONE PIECE ISRAEL
Swimming contest
Joe and Jim were at the lake. Joe said, “Let’s have a swimming contest.” Jim said, “No way, you know you’ll win. You’re twice as fast as me.”
Joe said, “Well, how about if you take the canoe across while I swim? Will you race then?”
“Okay, we can do that,” Jim said, and across the lake they went. Joe was freestyle swimming and Jim was rowing in the canoe.
But about halfway across, Joe realized the water was only about two feet deep. It didn’t make since for him to swim, so he began walking with his knees bent the rest of the way across, just his head out of the water. Jim was still right beside him in the canoe.
Just then, an officer with the Department of Natural Resources came roaring up beside them, his blue lights flashing. Jim and Joe both stopped.
“Is there a problem, Officer?” Joe asked.
“You better believe there is,” the officer said. “You boys can’t be having a race where one of you is rowing a canoe and the other is doggy paddling!”
“Why not?” said Jim.
“Didn’t you hear?” the officer replied. “Roe Vs. Wade is no longer legal!”
A Jewish man is sent to heaven
He meets God and says,
“Hey, do you want to hear a Holocaust joke?”
“Sure”, God says
The Jewish man says the joke, and God responds with, “That’s not very funny”
“Well, I guess you had to be there”
A group of bats is a colony, crows is a murder, sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?
A Freedom Caucus.