Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...I asked my mom why I had to finish my laundry before I went out clubbing.
“Clothes before hoes”
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
My mom told me that “the world isn’t just black and white”
She still hasn’t coped with me being colorblind.
Met a guy who was really interested in what people said when they leave
Told me he was bye-curious.
I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.
And this is why we need the oxford comma.
Why do pedophiles like going to the casino?
They have the opportunity to win minors
Which professional sport has the worst return of investment (ROI) for the owners?
American football. It costs millions for a star player, but you only get a quarter back.
A guy goes to prison.
As the guard is taking him to his cell, all the inmates are cat whistling at him, winking, and shouting “see you in the shower princess”. The guy is terrified and swears to himself that he’ll never go for a shower. As the weeks go by he’s starting to smell real bad but he still refuses to take a shower. Finally after 2 months he can’t even bare his own smell no more, he decides that he’s gonna brave it and have the quickest shower he possibly can to avoid any interaction with other inmates.
The showers are busy but there’s no going back now, he washes all over super quickly and the second he’s about to walk out of there a massive bloke appears from the steam and stands right in his way. He says…
“Hello princess, I’ve been waiting for you 2 months… you know what’s gonna happen now so I’ve got one question for you. Do you want it with saliva or without?”
Our guy went pale and his legs trembled underneath him. He knew he was fucked at this point so he figured out that a bit of lubrication will be less sore, so he says: “I, I gue…guess with saliva.” The big bloke looks happy with the answer. He turns to his mate and shouts: “Oi Saliva, come here. Our princess wants a threesome!”