Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...A White American Man is sitting in a bar
He is suddenly transported to another world. He looks around and realizes that he is surrounded by his ancestors.
He heads over to a man in a top hat and monocle and asks, “Who are you?” The man looks at him and says “Well, I am your English ancestor.” The American than asks “What aspect of my personality is from you?” The Englishman than answers, “Well I gave you my good English manors!” The American than thanks him.
He than sees a man with a bushy mustache and asks who he is. “We’ll I am your Italian ancestor,” the mustached man says, “and I gave you the ability to cook. Just like Italy your cooking is superior to all others.” The American thanks him.
The American than sees a man and approaches him and asks “Where are you from?” The man than replies, “Well I’m from Ireland.” The confused American says, “Wait I’m not part Irish.” The Irishman laughs and says “Well you were in a bar and started seeing ghosts, so you must be Irish.”
What is it called when you lift a port-a-potty on the roof of a 2 story building with a crane?
Taking that shit to the next level.
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
.
Rabbit: I think I’m a typo.
Heaven’s lines
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,
“I want the men to make two lines:
“ One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.”
“I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long. In the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, “You men should b ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household!”
“You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!”
“Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
The man replied, “This is where my wife told me to
stand.”
While daydreaming, I started having an imaginary argument with my wife.
I still lost the argument.
A manager arrives at work in their brand new Porsche 911 Carrera.
A bunch of people who work for that manager see the new car through the window and walk outside in awe.
The manager proudly stands before the new car and says “Just remember, if you keep working hard, keep producing at record levels, and continue to keep costs down, by this time next year I can buy another one of these!”
TIFU in bed with my wife
Normally we use the missionary position but today I let her straddle me.
Every firearm can be used like a magic wand...
...but the only spell they can cast is "Avada Kedavra"