Things better not to say - random entries

Two astronauts went to the moon
When they crawled out of their spaceship, it was a sight to behold. In the distance, there was a teepee and a Native American sitting near a fire. They approached the native and one of them said, “Hello! We’re from planet Earth!” The native, with a scared look, says, “Oh god, not again.”

What is the most painful consequential effect of giving your grandmother oral sex?
Hitting your head in the coffin lid.

One of my happiest memory is when I won the science fair in highschool.
I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition

All creative people I just punched open a thing of yogurt
Now make a joke about that. It was one of those paper things underneath the lids that you remove when you first open it, that’s what I punched.

People keep asking me how I got dishonorable discharge
I was a petty Officer

I noticed that you noticed that I noticed you! In short: can I get your number?

You should always wash your sex toys
That’s why priests baptize kids.

I heard Taylor Swift wrote a song about her airplane miles controversy
It’s called 747

A redneck is pulled over by a policeman...
Policeman: Got any ID? Redneck: About what?

Arizona Remember To Vote
Denny Havwood in Yuma for a Free Press

Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .
**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.** **“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.** **This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell “One hundred and fifty pounds!” He’d yell back “Five pounds!”** **One day,** **Camilla decided to accompany her husband and as the couple neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.** **Then, the hooker yelled “See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!**

where do killer whales keep their money?
off shore accounts

What do you call a Pharoah that rarely farts?
Tutankhamen (Toot uncommon)