Things better not to say - random entries

According to your records, one of your hobbies is "know-it-all". No - it says Klugscheißen explicitly! Thanks, we'll get back to you.

How do fish get high?
Seaweed

I can`t save the world from the sofa, but at least I can`t do any harm.

How do you click
bait?

Don`t we want to lay down naked on top of each other without obligation?

Passenger: Where is platform 5 here? Railway official (blonde): I think between 4 and 6.

My coworkers at my place of work have given me a nickname “Mr. Compromise”.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I guess I’m ok with it.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who’s in a pile of leaves?
Russel.

The Earth was flat....
...until they buried yo mama.

What do you call a German with a stomach flu?
Alwaysbepoopin How about one thats constipated? Notbepoopin

Tampax recently announced they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing it with tinsel.
This will be for the Christmas period only

The grocery assistant was no help at all.
I asked if they had any leeks, he said “no, we just had the plumbing redone.”

When Trump was President..
c1: good news Comrade, we snatched this one from the Whitehouse. c2: who are you? speak up or we torture! barber: I design his Toupees. c1 and c2 look puzzled. barber says slowly: HAIR CARE c2: do you wanna come work for us?