Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Now that I’m married I’m having sex almost every night of the week
We almost did it on Monday, then we almost did it again on Tuesday and on Wednesday really almost did it.
The workers at Staples must have loved college
They write "college ruled" on all the notebooks
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping in the woods.
They set up their tent and go to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up.
"Watson," he asks, "what do you see?"
Dr. Watson looks up, blinking wearily.
"Well, I see millions upon millions of stars."
"And what does that mean?"
"Well," Watson begins, pondering for a moment, "if there are millions upon millions of stars, then there very well might be millions upon millions of planets. If there are millions upon millions of planets, surely one or two of them has life. We may not be alone in this universe."
"Watson, you idiot," Sherlock says, "it means somebody stole our tent.
What do you call a silent protest that holds a partially understandable opinion?
quiet riot
As I was introducing my family to our new neighbors, the guy exclaimed, “Wow! Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I chuckled and said...
“Well, they *were* separated at birth!"
What did your mom write in her diary 10 months before you were born?
**I made a mistake**
A woodpecker was acting crazy so they brought it to the veterinarian and asked: “do you think he got in to some marijuana?”
The vet said: “no, I think it’s a pileated.”
A software tester walks into a bar
Backs into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
987654321 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A regular customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames.
I complained to subway their foot long sandwich is less than 12 inches
And they told me their footlong sandwich to customized to the length of my feet, and if my foot is less than 12 inches then I have nothing to complain about.
Dang! I hope the Bigfoot come to their store tomorrow.