Things better not to say - random entries
... to your Boss ...
... Jokes ...
... during Sex ...I`m always sweet and nice. But today is Valentine`s Day. And I would like to have you in bed with me all day!
Deathbed Instructions
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
· My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over on the east end."
· My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
· "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, "Huh? The asshole had a paper route.”
A man runs into a bar and shouts, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?!”
The bartender says, “Depends. Less than 3 feet.”
The man cries out, “Oh my God! I just drove over a nun!”
Jimmy had been divorced for 10 years and had struggled in the dating pool.
His two boys had finally left the house and had both gotten work downtown as chauffeurs at the hotel.
With a house finally empty, it was now Jimmy’s chance to find love again.
Denise came into Jimmy’s life soon after and he was totally captivated. Denise was a widow and had no kids of her own. In fact, she hated kids but it seemed okay with Jimmy’s out of the picture.
Denise and Jimmy fell hard for each other. Month after month went by until Jimmy felt like the timing was right. Jimmy asked her if he was her future. Denise replied, “im note really sure. I’m not sure how long it will last with your parking sons.”
When rowing a boat, do you use the left paddle or the right paddle?
Either oar.
The Keeper of All Jokes was starting to get overwhelmed.
There were so many supposedly new ones arriving every day that he couldn’t properly review them so he hired an assistant to dispose of the rejects. Thanks to a miscommunication, the assistant thought he was getting delivery instructions every time the Keeper said “read it”. So now you know.
i told Cinderella if she gets to the ball
She has reached too far down
Upvote if this makes you laugh
A man was sitting on a couch when his wife said “ Can you take out the garbage”he says “I’m not a garbage man” A day later she asked “can you fix my car?” He replied “I’m not a mechanic” When the husband came back from work the wife said “the neighbor came and fixed my car” He replied “what did he ask you for in return?” She said “I can either sleep with him or bake a cake” He says “What cake did you make?” The wife says “I’m not a cook”