Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Why did the chicken lay its egg on the mountain?
It wanted to make an egg-roll.
Why did the bee fail to get the job at a honey factory?
His application was nothing but buzz words
... Sayings ...Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?
Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.
My friend said that he couldn’t afford to pay his huge water bill...
So, I sent him a get well soon card.
Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…
Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.
Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table during dinner, in fact the first person to say anything has to do the dishes.
At dinner, Mick decides to test this and grabs his girlfriend’s boob - silence. He then stands up, bends her over the table and starts shagging her in front of her parents. Still nothing. He then does the same to her mum, drilling her like his life depends on it it in front of them, still met with complete silence.
After he was done, he heard thunder and a storm brewing, so he remembers what the dealer told him to do and he pulls out his tub of vaseline, her dad stands up immediately and says: “Fuck it, I’ll just do the dishes myself.”
... during Sex ...I slept with a married woman last night…
It was my wife, we just got married a week ago
When I was young, I decided to go to medical school…
At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:
P N E I S
to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.
The circus near me had a competition to find the best contortionist..
So I entered myself and won ...
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy hares for $10 each...
The villagers, seeing that there were many hares around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching hares again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of hares became so little that it was an effort to even see a hare, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy hares at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these hares in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers beat up the assistant because they had learnt their lesson last time.