Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...A newlywed couple was driving in the country…
As they’re driving along, the wife starts getting horny. She starts flirting with her husband and he starts getting horny. They both agree they have to have it RIGHT NOW. Being out in the country, out in the middle of nowhere to say little of being miles and miles from home, the husband pulls the car off the road and parks. He starts getting into the backseat. The wife says, “We can’t screw back there! It’s too cramped!” The husband says, “You’re right. I haven’t seen a car from miles… Wanna do it in the road?” The wife gets all excited, tears off her clothes and screams “YEAH!!” So, the start making love in the middle of the road.
A mile up the road, a trucker in an 18-wheeler is driving down. He sees something in the road so he starts blasting away on his horn. As he gets closer, he realizes that it’s a young couple bare-ass naked, screwing their damned brains out in the middle of the road. He starts slowing down and blaring away on the horn. They’re not moving. So, still slowing down he just lays on the horn until he brings the 18-wheelers bare inches from their heads.
The trucker jumps out, runs around the front and starts screaming “YOU IDIOTS!!! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?!? DIDN’T YOU SEE MY TRUCK?! DIDN’T YOU HEAR THE HORN?!? COULDN’T YOU TELL I WAS COMING?!?
The husband looks up at the trucker and says “Look, man, I was coming. She was coming. You were coming. And you were the only one with brakes.”
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...
He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.
One day, a six foot tall, 225 lb man….
One day, a six foot tall, 225 lb man wearing dark khaki pants, a sky-blue twill dress shirt, a pair of Addidas tennis shoes and a baseball-style cap, and carrying a box of first edition copies of Dianetics by L Ron Hubbard, all unsigned by the author, along with a number of jars of recently cured deer meat collected in a tote bag slung across his left shoulder, all while listening to Depeche Mode’s first album - Speak & Spell - walked into a bar.
“That’s okay,” said another six foot tall, 225 lb man wearing dark khaki pants, a sky-blue twill dress shirt, a pair of Addidas tennis shoes, and a baseball-style cap, and carrying a box of first edition copies of Dianetics by L Ron Hubbard, all unsigned by the author, along with a number of jars of recently cured deer meat collected in a tote bag slung across his left shoulder, all while listening to Depeche Mode’s first album, “I didn’t see it either.”
Soon after, a six foot tall, 225 lb dog wearing dark khaki pants, a sky-blue twill dress shirt, a pair of Addidas tennis shoes, and a baseball-style cap, and carrying a box of first edition copies of Dianetics by L Ron Hubbard, all unsigned by the author, along with a number of jars of recently cured deer meat collected in a tote bag slung across his left shoulder, all while listening to Depeche Mode’s first album - Speak & Spell - walked into a bar, sat down at a stool and ordered a rusty nail.
The bartender said, “That’s amazing! You should go down to the circus! They’d love to hire you.”
“How come,” asked the six foot tall, 225 lb dog wearing dark khaki pants, a sky-blue twill dress shirt, a pair of Addidas tennis shoes, and a baseball-style cap, and carrying a box of first edition copies of Dianetics by L Ron Hubbard, all unsigned by the author, along with a number of jars of recently cured deer meat collected in a tote bag slung across his left shoulder, all while listening to Depeche Mode’s first album - Speak & Spell. “Do they need an accountant?”
A very practical idea
During an economic recession, a car mechanic is going bankrupt. Suddenly, he comes up with an idea to earn some more money. He puts a sign outside his workshop that says “Curing any illness - 200$. If we can’t, we will give you 1000$ back!”. A doctor walks by and decides to get some money from him easily. He walks in, hands the mechanic 200 bucks and says:
-I have lost my sense of taste. Whatever I eat, it all tastes like nothing to me!
-Nurse, medicine number 19, please!
His assistant brings the patient a cup of some liquid and asks them to drink it. After drinking one sip, the doctor spits it out and screams:
-Ew, that’s gasoline! Why did you give it to me?
-Great, your sense of taste is back! Have a nice day!
The doctor is angry, but he decides to come up with a better “illness” and come back again. The next day he shows up, gives the money to the mechanic and says:
-I’ve lost my memory. I don’t remember recent events, please help me!
-Nurse, medicine number 19, please!
-I won’t drink that again, that’s gasoline!
-Looks like your memory is back! Have a good day!
The doctor is furious, but he still decides to come back and try again. The next day, he walks in wearing shades and holding a walking stick and throws the 200$ in the general direction of the mechanic.
-I’ve gone blind, I can’t see absolutely anything! Can you cure my blindness?
-Unfortunately, we do not have the technology and experience to cure blindness. Here’s your thousand bucks.
-Hey, those are just ten 1$ bills!
-Looks like your vision is back! Have a wonderful day!
[NSFW] Nuns on bicycles
Two nuns are riding bicycles.
One nun says "I have never come this way before!"
And the other nun says "what? Did you forget to put your bicycle seat back on?"
... to a iPhone owner ...What`s the difference between a Mac user and a terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Lost my job down at the sperm bank...
They caught me drinking on the job.