Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Putin is not all bad
He is expected to greatly decrease the incidence of gaslighting across Europe.
... at Christmas ...If your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Year
If your Left leg is Thanksgiving and your Right leg is Christmas, can I visit you in between the holidays?
An Expensive Suit
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the woman says.
“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”
Wife comes home from work.
Wife: I left my job today,
Husband: Why?
Wife: I could not work for that man after what he said to me.
Husband: So what did he say.?
Wife: You are fired."
My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…
I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.
"Hi there?" = Me when addressing a girl.
"Hi there!" = She, if she gives me the shortest basket in Bavarian.
... to your Girlfriend ...