Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Neurodiversity is all very well..
..but some folk can only afford secondhandrodiversity.
A man’s wife asks him to return a library book for her—
He says sure, he’s doing a bunch of errands anyway so he adds the library as an extra stop to his day.
When he gets there, he approaches the counter and says “Excuse me miss, I’d like to return this book.”
The young lady behind the counter gives both the man and the book a funny look. “This book?” she says, picking it up.
“Yes,” says the man. “I’ll also take care of any late fees. Apologies from my wife, she said she meant to return it quite awhile ago.”
“Sir,” says the young lady. “This isn’t a library book.”
“What?” says the man, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, look at it!” says the lady. “There’s no stamp on it, no laminate covering, there isn’t even a check-out card in the back. This is clearly a book that your wife purchased or had given to her. You should bring it back.”
By now the man was embarrassed. How was he supposed to know what a library book looked like? He was far too busy of a businessman to go to libraries.
“Well my wife doesn’t want it,” he says. “She insists that it IS a library book and she wants it returned. Is it possible for me to just donate it?”
“Oh I’m sure you could, if you wanted to!” says the lady.
“Perfect,” says the man. “Well then miss, I would like to donate this book to this library.”
“Sir,” says the young lady. “This is a Wendy’s.”
... at a Date ...What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a tiger exhibit?
Fucked, he is fucked.
I went to a protest for trees the other day.
I saw a sign that said Bark Lives Matter.
What do women and dish washing machines have in common?
Their place is in the kitchen where they take loads and clean them.
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”