Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
What is something you can say at both a funeral and during sex?
I’m sorry, were you close?
My coworker is asking for donations for his charity marathon
But I’m afraid he’s just going to take the money and run
There are three types of people
the people who can count, and the people who can’t
The SEC cutting back staff
Context: This is a very serious situation in which Congress is questioning SEC staff about the 2007 crisis in which there is a stab at flippant humor.
A serious bespectacled congressman is asking questions about why the SEC cut back staff at such a crucial moment prior to the financial crisis when banks ought to have been more strictly regulated.
Interrogator in a serious tone: 146 people were cut from the Enforcement division of the SEC is that what you also testified to?
Chief accountant of SEC: Yes. Yeah I think there has been a systematic gutting - whatever you wanna call it, of the agency and it’s capability through cutting back of staff.
Interrogator in tones of disbelief: The SEC office of risk management was reduced to a staff, did you say, of one?
CA of SEC: Yeaahh… when that gentleman would go home at night he could turn the lights out.
Source: This is a joke that was told in a real situation during the documentary Inside Job. I don’t want to take credit for it so I’m leaving this at the bottom.
I like the way you think
A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach
maths to small children.
“It’s always a good idea for them to visualise the question.
For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one
was shot dead – how many were left? – the children would
answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind’s
eye.”
At that point she was interrupted by one of the students.
“Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that
question.”
The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but
again the student shook his head.
“My answer would be none,” he said. “If one of the cats had
been shot then the other two would have been out of there
in a flash.”
She replied, “Well, in theory that wouldn’t be correct,
however I like the way you think.”
The student continued, “May I ask you a question now? If
there were three women walking down the street, one
licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an
ice lolly – which one would you think was married?”
The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply.
“Well … er … the one sucking the ice lolly.”
“No,” replied the student, smiling, “it would be the one
wearing a wedding ring … still, I like the way you think!”
Q: What is the difference between a bucket full of gravel and a bucket full of menstruation blood?
A: You can’t gurgle gravel
Putin is not all bad
He is expected to greatly decrease the incidence of gaslighting across Europe.
Doctor the operation was a success
Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.
Husband:”we should have sex more often!”
Wife:”But we have sex almost every day!”
Husband: “Almost every day??? How’s that???”
Wife: “ Well, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday….”