Things better not to say - random entries

I really told this to a girls father
I was once dating this girl who was a college graduate .her father did not like me.he told me I should not be dating his daughter because you are beneath her I told him I am not beneath her most the time I am on top of her

A dog walks into McDonald’s
The guy at the counter says sorry we don’t serve animals here. The dog leaves. 10 minutes later a man in a trench coat walks in with a tail sticking out. The McDonald’s cashier reaches down and grabs the tail. The tail begins squirting semen all over him. He realizes it was actually the man’s hairy penis.

What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics?
Walking

Well I don’t see why I have to make one woman miserable.
when I can make so many women happy.

Two cows in a field
One says, "mooooooo" The other says, "I was going to say that" ....to which the first responds, "fuck me, a talking cow!"

What did the fish say when it hit a wall?
Well, well, well.

Me flirting with a Friend
Me: “So, did you lose weight” F: “No” (smiles) Me: “Yeah I didn’t think so”

i heard you can get carbon and irpn half off if you buy them as an alloy
what a steel! Edit: typo in the title... "irpn" is supposed to say iron. whoops

Two pirates
Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn. The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this." The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

what do you call it when your french friend copies you
co-pierre

Did you hear about the cats that broke into the cat factory?
It was a *cat*astrophy of the *highest* order!

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....
I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

Why did Emperor Palpatine have so much trouble walking around?
He had Darth Ritis