Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Me flirting with a Friend
Me: “So, did you lose weight”
F: “No” (smiles)
Me: “Yeah I didn’t think so”
My woman asked me “what made you fall in love with me like crazy, my beauty?”
To which I replied “if the food tastes too good, you’re probably too hungry! So basically high testosterone aka high libido”
An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar
Engineer: My good sirs, without engineers people would still be living in huts
Physicist: But alas my good sir, engineering is simply applied physics
Mathematician: But alas my good sir, physics is simply applied mathematics
"hearty laughter"
Philosopher: But alas my good sirs, mathematics is only applied philosophy
Mathematician: shut up and get us our damned drinks
Walking in the woods, I encountered a naked man wearing a fine silk hat.
"Excuse me, sir, but why are you naked?"
"Well, why not? No one ever comes back here."
"Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?"
"Well, you never know. Somebody might."
What did Pikachu say to the Squirtle wearing a Batman costume?
Pikachu
I’ve figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors.
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
A group of bats is a colony, crows is a murder, sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?
A Freedom Caucus.
The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns
"This morning," she announces, "the gardener found a condom in the rhododendron bushes!"
Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"
"And it had been used!" the Mother Superior adds.
Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"
"...And there was a hole in it!" says the Mother Superior.
Ninety-nine nuns giggle "Tee-hee!", one gasps in horror.
If a tree has fallen for you in the woods and no one else is around...
Can anyone really judge you for the passionate sounds of love you make together
“Let’s get Retarded” by Black Eyed Peas hit my playlist once while I was a case manager in my 20’s while driving a van full of developmentally challenged adults
Right when the song first came out (and before the radio edit), I happened to work for a nonprofit organization that assisted people with developmental disabilities. My colleagues and I would provide transportation, and vocational support.
I used to play music off of my iPod, and I made it a point that nothing I ever played at work had any curse words or explicit content. Well, I guess this one slipped through.
I’ve never seen a van full of people be happier and bounce around more enthusiastically then the passengers that day, they absolutely loved the song. My coworker and I exchanged shocked glances, and we didn’t even know what to do, so we just danced along. Looking back to that day, we were all “retarded.”
Did you know that Paul Walker had dandruff?
I didn’t know either, until I saw his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.
What do you call Bryan Cranston having a threesome?
Malcom in the middle.