Things better not said - our best

How did the Imam get Malaria?
From a Mosque-ito

They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?
Drinking alcohol!

The congregation discovered the minister was having an affair with a married congregant
Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.

What do we want?
Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them? *me: Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!*

2 snowmen walk into a bar
One turns to the other and says: "Do u smell carrots?"

I was only ever at one gender reveal party
It was fine, but slightly mortifying, as I was the only naked person there…

Why don’t orphans get 5 stars in Grand Theft Auto?
Because they’re not wanted

What’s the hardest cult to join?
A difficult.

Two old guys are having a chat in a nursing home, when a naked old woman with a walker crosses very slowly in front of them
First guy says, "Elmer - what the hell was that?" Second guy says, "Joe - I have no idea, but it certainly needed ironing!"

After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.
A county official noticed an increase in the town’s birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it’s too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…

What is the only organ in women that stays warm after death?
My dick

I tried to eat paper today.
It tasted sharp.

What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
Answer: The taste.