The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

Daddy, if we kill all bad people will only good people remain?

No, baby. If we kill all bad people only murderers will remain.

What do you call a credit card riding a train?

American Express

Grandpa wanted his remains to be scattered on a beach when he died.

As soon as we started dumping the coolers, people freaked out and called the police on us.

i reallylike putin.

she say makesure takeout before finish. isay ok.

How many jurors does it take to fill out one form?

Apparently more than 7.

Why are french people always so sad?

Because they eat Pain for breakfast

What is black and white and red all over

2 nuns in a chainsaw fight

A man offers a young woman $1,000,000

to sleep with him for one night. She looks him up and down. “$1 million? Sure thing! “ He smiles at her. “How about $50?” “I’m not a whore!” “Madam, we’ve already estab-“ “Imma stop you right there. You misunderstand. I’m not a whore, I’m a paid actress . A 16 year old paid actress. There’s a camera there, and there, and there, and coming up behind you is Chris Hansen from ‘Dateline’.”

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?

Have you tried turning them off, then on again?

I told my uncle to buy me a cool watch.

He gave me an anal-lock.

Wife taking a trip

Man 1: “So my wife is taking a trip to the West Indies” Man 2: oh that sounds lovely. Jamaica?” Man 1: “no she went of her own accord”

I had a gay orgy at court today, but now we have to have a retrial.

It was a hung jury, as nobody came to an agreement