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My dad was such a proud union member his whole life …
When I was a kid, he began every story with “Once upon a time-and-a-half …”
Monkey in a Bar.
A guy goes walking into a bar with a pet monkey on a leash. He sits down and orders a beer. After a while, he asks the bartender if he would watch his monkey while he went to the restroom. While the man was in the restroom, the monkey hopped off the stool, ran over to the pool table and swallowed the cue ball in one gulp. When the man returned, the bartender told him.” Sir you’re going to have to pay for that cue ball. The man felt around in his pockets and told the bartender “I’m sorry I only have enough money to pay for my beer right now but I’ll follow him around for a couple days and when he passes it I will clean it off and bring it back”. The bartender thought about it for a minute and decided that would be ok. A few days later the man returns with the monkey in tow, walks up to the bar and hands the bartender the cue ball and after many apologies he sits down and orders another beer. After a while the man asks the bartender to tend to his monkey again while he goes to the restroom. The bartender says “I dunno man, you remember what happened last time?” The man assured him there would be now issues and the bartender reluctantly says ok. While he’s gone the monkey is sitting calmly on the bar eating peanuts out of the bowl. The bartender notices the monkey is sticking the peanuts up his rear end then eats them. The man is shocked and decides to say something to the man when he returns from the restroom. A few moments later the man returns and the bartender tells him what he saw. The man replies “Yeah, it’s no big deal. He’s been doing it a couple days now”. The bar man replies “You really don’t think it odd what he’s doing?” The man replies “No and honestly I can’t blame him”. The barman exclaimed “WHY NOT?” The man replied “Honestly you can’t blame him because ever since he shit that cue ball he measures everything he eats”.
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.” “But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer. “No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.” Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.” “Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”
love themed joke request
Not sure if allowed so sorry, but I need some love themed mostly work appropriate jokes to tell my work crush at her request. Reddit please help!!!
What do rednecks from the South & assholes from Boston have in common?
They both hate the Yankees! Edit: made this up while on the shitter, first submission here.
My friend said that he couldn’t afford to pay his huge water bill...
So, I sent him a get well soon card.
Old Rudy was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand.
After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process, mumble, smile, raise hand, silence. Sarah was observing this, and after about an hour, she said, “Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?” “Oh, no,” Rudy replied. “It’s just that long trips get boring so I tell myself jokes.” “But why, sir,” asked Sarah, “Do you keep raising your hand?” “Well,” said Rudy, “That’s to interrupt myself because I’ve heard that one before.”
I was once chasing a guy in a Chevrolet
I was once chasing a guy in a Chevrolet down a dirt road and eventually I lost him, I had to go on the ground to look for the fresh prints of Bel Air
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...
So unfortunately I stopped seeing her for a while.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come?