The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After he is served the beer he asks the guy next to him to watch his drink while he uses the bathroom. He does his business, and when he returns the guy watching the drink says “I wouldn’t drink that if I were you.” “Why not?” He asks. “That monkey over there, came over and peed in it” he informs him. “What,” says the man, “whose monkey is that!?” “I think it’s the piano player’s monkey,” the other guy tells him. The man goes up to the piano player and says, “hey, do you know your monkey peed in my beer?” The pianist replies, “no, but if you hum it I’ll try to play it.”

There was a guy so, so short...

...that his feet dangled when he sat on the curb.

Who ever stole my coffee and Microsoft office...

I will find you! You have my word.

Did you know that if you mix diet coke, bicarb soda, table salt and bleach together in a mop bucket....

You get yelled at by the manager of Walmart

Dirty Pig

Customer is disgusted when she sees a baker crimping a pie with his false teeth. “Have you now got a tool for that job, you filthy pig” “Yes, I use that for the doughnuts!!

My sense of humor is rubbing off on my dog.

She met me at the door when I came home from work yesterday. I told her “Hi Xander, I’m hungry.” She looked up at me and said “Hi hungry, I’m Xander.” Maybe not refilling my prescription wasn’t such a great idea after all…

What do you call the smartest person in the linguistics department?

A cunning linguist.

Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden

"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company." "Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you." "Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?" "For you, it will cost an arm and a leg" said God. "That seems pretty steep" said Adam. "What could I get for just a rib?"

What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving?

Vegetarians!

I once saw my friend fighting a pregnant women

So I joined him to make it a two-on-two

I like my women like I like slaves

Educated and free

I received an invitation to a wedding from an acquaintance.

I replied that I could not go this time but would go next time.

What are Netflix’s pronouns?

Dey/Dem