The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Walking in the woods, I encountered a naked man wearing a fine silk hat.
"Excuse me, sir, but why are you naked?" "Well, why not? No one ever comes back here." "Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?" "Well, you never know. Somebody might."
An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar
Engineer: My good sirs, without engineers people would still be living in huts Physicist: But alas my good sir, engineering is simply applied physics Mathematician: But alas my good sir, physics is simply applied mathematics "hearty laughter" Philosopher: But alas my good sirs, mathematics is only applied philosophy Mathematician: shut up and get us our damned drinks
My woman asked me “what made you fall in love with me like crazy, my beauty?”
To which I replied “if the food tastes too good, you’re probably too hungry! So basically high testosterone aka high libido”
Me flirting with a Friend
Me: “So, did you lose weight” F: “No” (smiles) Me: “Yeah I didn’t think so”
Line in heaven
A woman dies and finds herself in a line to get into heaven. As she nears St Peter she hears him asking people "Please tell me how much money you made and what you did on earth" Two people ahead if her she heard "I made 2 million a year and I was a CEO" The person in front of her said "I made 180 thousand a year and I was an electrician" When she got there she said "I made 12 thousand a year.. " St Peter asked "and what instrument did you play?"
Whats a boxers favourite part of a joke?
The punchline! (mods if this has been told before feel free to remove)
I like the way you think
A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children. “It’s always a good idea for them to visualise the question. For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead – how many were left? – the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind’s eye.” At that point she was interrupted by one of the students. “Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question.” The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head. “My answer would be none,” he said. “If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash.” She replied, “Well, in theory that wouldn’t be correct, however I like the way you think.” The student continued, “May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an ice lolly – which one would you think was married?” The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply. “Well … er … the one sucking the ice lolly.” “No,” replied the student, smiling, “it would be the one wearing a wedding ring … still, I like the way you think!”
My daughter wanted her nose pierced. I said, you need a piercing like you need a hole in your head!!!!……
…. And then I thought, wait. That IS a hole in her head.
Three people in bed is called a threesome. Two people in bed is called a twosome.
So now you know why people call you handsome.