Things better not said - our best

Two deer walk out of a gay club,
one says “dude I must’ve blown like 50 bucks back there”.

What do you call coffee you used to drink but don’t anymore?
>!Expresso!<

Naughty Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread.

Rick rolls are like Spanish inquisition
You never expect them

There are two Chinese guys, one of them wants to rob a brewery…
His friend asks; “Why don’t we rob a distillery, we’d make more money?” “It’s too whisky.”

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

What do you call a bassist without a girlfriend?
Homeless

The movie had an happy ending, but I was sad
.. they didn’t show it. It was censored.

I hope death is a woman
That way it will never come for me.

The object of a Jewish football game is to get the quarterback. What’s the object of a Jewish basketball game?
To get free throws.

How many environmental protesters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to announce to every disgruntled soul in the pitch black room that the lightbulb shall not be changed. And one to sit in front of it.

I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition today.
Fuck knows where I came.

Did you know that every planet in our solar system is named a god...
Except Earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.