Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...A reporter was interviewing a 104 year old woman.
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asks.
She simply answers, "No peer pressure."
My alcoholic friend says beer has made him a psychic
He calls himself "Bud the Wiser"
Starting on 2024 all US Government inmates are to recieve cell phones, per new law.
The program is called context.
A woman at a party starts flirting with a handsome man, and asks him what he’s drinking…
He says “You won’t believe me, but this drink gives me the powers to fly”. She obviously doesn’t believe him and says “prove it!”
So he takes a sip, walks to the nearest window, and jumps out. He starts flying, does a couple of pirouettes in the air and flies back in.
The woman can’t believe her eyes and shouts “waiter, I’ll have what he’s drinking!”
Excited, she gets her drink, takes a couple of sips and jumps out the window, landing flat on her face.
The waiter then walks to the man and says “you’re a mean drunk, Superman”.
Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.
Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.
What’s the difference between Birth Control and BitCoin?
One is a method of protection from unintended consequences while being screwed, the other is a pill.
My family is very diverse in their sexual orientation. One fucks women, one fucks men, one fucks both...
...I just want them to fuck off.
So she told me that I was the worst she has ever had on bed.
How could she make that judgement on 30 seconds ?
What did the parent do to the teenager who snuck out and took the car and was killed in a car accident?
He was grounded.
“The Emporer Has No Clothes!”
“Shush kid, it’s modern art. You just don’t understand it.”
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns.
Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room.
Glaring at me, he grumbled, *“What are they doing back there, counting the money?”*
I started to consider how to make ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’ a reality.
But it was just a Meateor Theory.