Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...A plane suddenly loses one of its engines
“This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost one of our engines so we’ll be about 10 minutes late arriving at our destination,” announces the Captain.
“Oh no!” Says a passenger. Then suddenly, another engine fails.
“This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost another one of our engines so we’ll be about 30 minutes late arriving at destination,” announces the Captain.
“Another one?” The passenger says again.
Suddenly the Captain says, “This is your Captain speaking. I’m really sorry to say but we’ve lost a third engine so we’ll be a bit more than an hour late to our destination.”
“I hope that fourth engine doesn’t fail our we’ll be up here for the rest of our lives!” Says the passenger.
Jacob’s been struggling with constipation this entire week.
Today too, he tried pooping. But once again when he looked into the toilet, there was Jack shit.
A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen
He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"
Why did the MPLS router go to the psychiatrist?
Because it was tired of all the labels people put on it.
WARNING: This joke is somewhat offensive
What do you call a disabled person with no arms or legs?
>!A rip-off!<
After my Dad changed her gender I just couldn’t see her anymore.
She was trans-parent.
I used to cough in public to hide my farts.
But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.
Child minder
Are you looking for a child minder?
£20 per hour
He may be small but he’s rock hard.
A friend of mine practices karate whenever he takes drugs.
I asked him why and he said it gets him "HAI-YAH".
What do wizards say every time a plane takes off in Queens, NY?
LaGuardia Leviosa