The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

Why was the movie theater sad on Valentine’s Day?

Because it got projected.

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

Why did the joke go to prison?

It was a dad joke

What does the N on Nebraska University’s football helmets stand for?

Knowledge

How do you travel back in time 1,000 years?

Rural Afghanistan

A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such awful stuff, what can I do to get it to stop?” The manager tells her, “Don’t worry ma’am, just bring it here and tomorrow you’ll have a well behaved bird.” so the woman brings the parrot to the pet shop manager and comes back the next day, the parrot is completely silent. The woman then noticed two strings on each of the birds legs, the woman asked, “What are these strings for?” The manager responded by pulling the left string and the parrot began singing a beautiful song, the words struck deep and it had the woman and the manager in tears, the manager pulled the other string and the bird began reciting the Bible perfectly. The woman was impressed and decided to bring her bird to church, the pastor asked her to pull the strings which the woman did, she pulled the left string and the Bird began to sing once more, the words shook everyone to their core and had them crying in joy from how beautiful the song was, the woman pulled the other string and the bird once again recited the Bible perfectly, once the bird was finished the pastor asked, “What happens if I pull both strings?” The bird responded, “I fall over you dumb f*ck”

If a black bird has black babies & Blue bird has blue Babies, What bird has No Babies?

A Swallow.

What do you call a geometry teacher who is also an undercover police?

A secret tangent.

"I got a compliment on my driving today," said a blonde to her friend.

There was a note left on my windshield that said "parking fine".

I forgot to exchange my son’s tooth for money last night and now he’s asking if the tooth fairy is really real.

I told him she was just overbooked in Britain last night

What has two rings and an arrow?

A phone call to China

Where do you weigh Whales?

At the whale weigh station.

If the tomato is technically a fruit

Does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?