The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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The shipwrecked man
A man in a shipwreck ends up on an island. Surprisingly enough there’s plenty to live off of, there are even sheep. As time goes by, day after day, he sees a sheep that he becomes rather fond of, he names it Dolly, and eventually tries to screw it. Every time he gets close to it, it runs away and he can’t hold on to it. This happens for a while as he tries everyday. One day, he’s walking along the shoreline where he sees a hurt woman who came from another shipwreck, so he got her to his camp and nursed her back to health. After she’s all better, she says to him, you saved my life, I’ll do anything for you. He smiles and says, I’ve been so lonely on this island and have needs and urges. She smiled knowing what he meant. She said what do you wish me to do? He got a big grin and said, can you please hold Dolly for me.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car
A man gets pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up to the window. “You were going 20 over the limit. License and registration please.” The man in the car hands over his documents and says “just so you know, I have a dead body in the trunk.” The officer immediately has the man step out of the car while he radios for backup. Not much longer, the sheriff arrives. The two officers head to the back of the man’s car and pop open the trunk. “There’s nothing in here!” Exclaims the sheriff. “My officer said you had a dead body in the trunk.” The man replies “I bet that sonofabitch told you I was speeding too!”
This is not a Chuck Norris joke.
Sorry guys, no Chuck Norris no point in even trying to be funny. Chuck Norris is the best medicine. Accept nothing else.
Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.
I hate being a dwarf.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says, “some asshole has my pen.”
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them
Due to budget constraints …
The American space agency has been forced to find a private investor to continue its efforts. After several failed partnership offers, government functionaries announced a merger with a prominent baking company. In a press conference, one reporter asked if the new company would be forced to delay planned extra-orbital missions. The spokesperson replied… “No, not NASA-Sara Lee”