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"My dear Holmes, which kind of school catholic priests like the most?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson."
I can destroy those 3 little word "I love you", for millions, if not billions of people with one sentence.
*I love you* is pronounced identically to "Allah view".
I put googly eyes on every picture of someone I see
That might be why I got kicked out of that funeral...
The Stork family comes home at the end of the day
The storks sit down for dinner. Mama Stork says "Father Stork, what did you do today?" Father Stork says "I was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Mama Stork?" Mama Stork says "I also was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Baby Stork?" Baby Stork says "I was out scaring the crap out of college students." (Cultural note: in many cultures, a common myth is that storks deliver babies to mothers instead of mothers giving birth)
Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
The most disappointing video call ever. [OC]
A bit of background: I (M24) occasionally like to browse various dating apps for spontaneous hookups. Nothing too crazy, just see if anyone is available and meet up for a bit of causal fun. Yesterday evening I was really in the mood for some action, but sadly it was pouring down rain and not worth the effort of either going out or convincing someone to brave the storm just for some sex. I was in my room doom scrolling while debating on pulling up some porn when I remembered that one of my friends had recommended this new website that was like…. The best way to describe it is if Tinder and Omegle had a baby. It’s called “So Far” (their tagline is “so far, yet so close” and I can’t decide if that’s clever or lame) and the idea is that you match with long distance dates to have a dirty video call. I made an account and looked through profiles for a while and eventually I matched with someone I thought was hot, and I guess she thought so too. After a brief chat we hopped on a video call, and luckily it was actually this girl in the pictures and not a catfish. I was super lucky that there was minimal awkwardness in getting started, and pretty soon things were getting steamy. She got up close to her webcam and began taking her clothes off, and oh man did I hit the jackpot with this virtual hookup. Needless to say I was quite excited in more ways than one. She leaned in and whispered that she wanted to see what I had to offer. Which was great because I was ready to go. Just then, a huge bolt of lightning tore through my neighborhood with a thunder clap that shook my windows. It scared the ever living shit out of me. Not only that but the power went out. My online sexy time was cut short by the stupid storm. All this to say, I tried “So Far” and got so hard, but in the end, it didn’t even matter.
Why do divers always jump backwards to enter the water?
Because if they jumped forward they would smash their faces with the boat.
I saw this dude pepper spraying a chicken
I was like damn dude, that’s fucked up. I’m no vegetarian but that just seems cruel. But its all good. It was just chuck norris preparing some chicken bbq. It’s dumb. Just thought of it but I’m pretty drunk. Someone work this into a better joke please lol
Did you know about the time I chatted with the holy cow?
It was an udder worldly experience.