The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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A woman at a party starts flirting with a handsome man, and asks him what he’s drinking…
He says “You won’t believe me, but this drink gives me the powers to fly”. She obviously doesn’t believe him and says “prove it!” So he takes a sip, walks to the nearest window, and jumps out. He starts flying, does a couple of pirouettes in the air and flies back in. The woman can’t believe her eyes and shouts “waiter, I’ll have what he’s drinking!” Excited, she gets her drink, takes a couple of sips and jumps out the window, landing flat on her face. The waiter then walks to the man and says “you’re a mean drunk, Superman”.
Starting on 2024 all US Government inmates are to recieve cell phones, per new law.
The program is called context.
My alcoholic friend says beer has made him a psychic
He calls himself "Bud the Wiser"
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year old woman.
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asks. She simply answers, "No peer pressure."
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar...
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
Reporter goes to a native reservation
A young reporter went to a Native American reservation and went to interview the natives there. They comes across a native with one feather in his head band and the reporter ask him “What does the one feather stand for?” He replies “I’ve been with one women .” The reporter thinks that’s interesting and then comes across a native with five feathers in his head band and inquires the same thing and he responds “I’ve been with five women.” At this point the reporter is starting to understand but thinks surely the Chiefs headdress has a different meaning. Later in the evening the reporter has the opportunity to ask the chief the same question and he responds proudly with “I’m the Chief of all women on the reservation and Ive slept with all of them!” The reporter responds “Oh dear!” The chief responds “No! Not deer their asshole is too high and they run too fast.”
What can you say in an adult video store that you can say in a pizza store
I wants some cheese pizza please
As a priest walks down the street, he notices a young girl struggling to reach the door knocker on a tall front door.
"Allow me to assist," he offers, knocking on the door for her. "Is there anything else I can help you with?" he asks kindly. "Yes," says the girl, "Now we run like crazy."
Flying Lotus
I saw Tucker Carlson at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.