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What do we want?
Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them? *me: Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!*
The congregation discovered the minister was having an affair with a married congregant
Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.
They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?
Drinking alcohol!
Did you know that Paul Walker had dandruff?
I didn’t know either, until I saw his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.
“Let’s get Retarded” by Black Eyed Peas hit my playlist once while I was a case manager in my 20’s while driving a van full of developmentally challenged adults
Right when the song first came out (and before the radio edit), I happened to work for a nonprofit organization that assisted people with developmental disabilities. My colleagues and I would provide transportation, and vocational support. I used to play music off of my iPod, and I made it a point that nothing I ever played at work had any curse words or explicit content. Well, I guess this one slipped through. I’ve never seen a van full of people be happier and bounce around more enthusiastically then the passengers that day, they absolutely loved the song. My coworker and I exchanged shocked glances, and we didn’t even know what to do, so we just danced along. Looking back to that day, we were all “retarded.”
If a tree has fallen for you in the woods and no one else is around...
Can anyone really judge you for the passionate sounds of love you make together
The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns
"This morning," she announces, "the gardener found a condom in the rhododendron bushes!" Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!" "And it had been used!" the Mother Superior adds. Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!" "...And there was a hole in it!" says the Mother Superior. Ninety-nine nuns giggle "Tee-hee!", one gasps in horror.
A group of bats is a colony, crows is a murder, sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?
A Freedom Caucus.
I’ve figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors.
1. How dense the population is. 2. How dense the population is.