Better not say it!

If your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Year
If your Left leg is Thanksgiving and your Right leg is Christmas, can I visit you in between the holidays?

I have such a cold, the table next to my bed looks like it`s from a 13 year old who just discovered online porn.

Did you know bananas are good for memory
My girlfriend put one up my ass a month ago and I still remember it

When he was growing up, everybody laughed when Jimmy Fallon said he wanted to be a comedian...
no one’s laughing now.

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...
He is still in there. I have him under control.

I know a real funny guy named Ian.
Everyone calls him comedy-Ian.

Plans for a new railway in Oxfordshire scrapped
For many years, the townsfolk of West Oxfordshire were looking forward to the opening of a brand new railway from London to the market town of Witney The Witney - Euston line was very close to being green lit, but after a number of line extensions it ended up terminating in Bath. Shortly after that, all plans were shelved.

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway
“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

How are cannibal babies born?
The other cannibals eat the moms off them.

What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
he/he

Why did Superman stay out of trouble when he was a kid?
He had a lot of super-vision.

What does a girl say when she sees a huge dong?
Oh you don’t know? My condolences.

why did the southern cowboy lose the duel?
He was slow on that drawl.

I need a joke for an incredibly facetious uncle’s funeral - nothing would’ve made him happier than an inappropriate joke. I was thinking 782 or 9822.
But the real joke is always in the comments - please r/Jokes, do your thing! Help me out please

I am so tired of jokes about Americans being stupid and not understanding the metric system.
At least we don’t panic when the temperature hits 40 kilometers!

What instrument do fish play?
The bass guitar

If you like Vampire Weekend...
You should thank vampire unions.

Now that Dr. Fauci is retiring soon, they’re going to make a TV movie about his life!
You wanna know what it’s called? I know my MIDDLE name is Stephen

Why did Helen of Troy never use painkillers?
Because paracetamol.

Head & Shoulders
A Blonde and a Brunette on an elevator going to the first floor. A good looking guy wearing all black gets in the elevator and gets off in the 2nd floor, before the guy exits the elevator, the Brunette notices that he has dandruff on his shoulders. When the door closes the brunette tells the blonde. Cute guy but someone needs to give him some Head & Shoulders. The blonde asked, How do you give shoulders?

What do Texas Police and guys with delayed ejaculation disorder have in common?
They take so long to come inside

A women pregnant with triplets gets caught in the middle of a shootout
And is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to hospital and the doctors check her out. They tell her that each of the bullets has hit one of the babies but in a way that they will survive with no permanent damage. After the babies are born the women decides not to tell her three children about what has happened in case it scares them until one day years later one of her daughters comes to her crying and says mom I went to the toilet and a bullet came out. The mom says it’s ok and tells her the story of how she was shot but says don’t tell your brother and sister. About a year later the other sister comes to her mum crying and tells her a bullet came out when she went to the toilet so the mom sits her down and explains the story to her too. A couple of years later her son walks out to her crying and the mom says sit down son it’s ok I assume you went to the toilet and a bullet came out. The son looks up at her and says no mom I was having a wank and I shot the dog.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, it is my cake day, and reposting is the best way to get karma.”

There are a lot of reasons to go to jail. Quite a few, in fact.
None of them are legal however.

Who named them Kegel exercises….
and not “puss-ups”?

What is the difference between Dutch food and British food history?
Their Prime Minister fate

My ex-wife still misses me,
but her aim is getting better

computers vs humans?
The best joke on mankind is that computers ask humans to prove they are not robots...

They’re calling the aftermath of Hurricane Ian a 500-year flood event
I ain’t sticking around for the next one.

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …
And 100% of men don’t care.